A Conversation with guest speaker Aija Mayrock on bullying, writing and mental health.
This conversation took place live, via Zoom, on September 12th as part of the 2020 DtWT Recognition Weekend where audience members had the chance to ask Aija questions directly. You’ll find the full event with Aija Mayrock and others, here.
Can you tell us a little about yourself?
My journey began, when I was 8 years old. I used to have a lisp and a stutter. I would go to school and I started getting bullied for the way I spoke.
I was bullied for about 8 years. During that time, I didn't speak up for myself. I did a little bit in the beginning, but because I was bullied for the way I spoke, I very quickly stopped. Eventually I kind of lost hope that anyone was going through the same thing, which looking back was so wrong because there were so many people in my school and community that were bullied as well. I very quickly gave up on myself. Part of that I think was that in my school, like at the time, students could bully each other, and teachers wouldn't do anything. They would watch it happen or they would contribute to it. It was a really toxic environment where that just was allowed to happen.
When I started writing my book, "The Survival Guide to Bullying.", I was 16 years old. I saw this story about this boy that had taken his life because of bullying. I knew that pain and that hopelessness, but I also knew that there was a way to survive it. I was so angry, and so heartbroken that this boy, that no one showed up for him and that he had given up and taken his life. I wanted to find a way to show young people all around the world that you could survive it. And that there are and there were ways to get help, to stand up for yourself, even if it didn't seem possible. I started writing this book, and I wrote it kind of like a diary in the beginning. I had no idea that it would ever be published. I just wrote the book that I kind of wished I always had but never did have. And then I self-published it. Which I want to talk about a little later because I know many of you like to write yourself. But I self-published it. It was online, and It was free to do. A few months of that, Scholastic bought the book. They published it. It came out. It became a bestseller. And I started speaking all over the U.S. I spoke to over 4 million people in 4-5 years. I started to see that bullying existed everywhere and that it was this huge issue that wasn't talked about enough. Things weren't being done. And that mental health was something that was really, really affected by bullying, among obviously other things but it was really affecting student's mental health. They were coming up to me afterwards and telling me their stories.
How did you build self-confidence and learn to love yourself? -Alicia
That is still a journey I'm on. I am not there yet. But it's gotten a lot better in the years. I would say some things that really helped me, when I was 17, I went to this acting storytelling class and I'm very creative, I love writing and storytelling. In that class, I met people that had had similar experiences to me and that liked the same things as me and within that group I found a sense of belonging. Through that, I built confidence, like oh, I can have friendships. I can, you know, people like to see me express myself in this creative way and they're supportive and there's no bullying happening here.
So that was a life changing experience for me.
Another thing I did and continue to do is I went to therapy. And that was something I really needed to do and something that really has helped me and continues to help me.
Now in this new world, there's so many online alternatives that I really recommend.
Another thing was building my own relationship with myself. This is a much longer conversation obviously, but really work on loving myself, whether that be through writing three pages every day about the things that I really love and admire within myself, or, you know, taking care of myself, whether it be like mentally or physically, doing things to show yourself that you care for yourself. That's a mouthful, but you know what I mean. I think there are so many facets to building that confidence and there's no one path, but I think it's important to just every day work on that. And as I said, I'm not there yet, but it's something I continue to do.
If you had not been bullied, do you think you would view the world differently, and how?
Definitely. I always say, the last chapter of my book is called the benefits of being bullied, which I know sounds just ridiculous, but I think that from almost any negative situation in my own life, I have tried in the years following to find the positives I've taken from that. And what I've realized is that I would not be anywhere near who I am without my experience of being bullied. Not that I wished it had happened and not that I would wish it on anyone, but it did change me and changed the way I saw the world, the way I see people, and it brought me on to this path. So for that, I feel lucky that I got through it and lucky that I've been able to share my story and my experience with other people.
I wanted to ask your advice on a freshman who had past issues with being bullied by teachers and then the students were influenced. What's your advice on that? -Elizabeth
That's something that I also dealt with. I remember when I was in eighth grade, I would raise my hand in class and my teacher, because I had a lisp at the time, would mimic the way I spoke when calling on me and because of that, I completely shut down and stopped speaking or participating. It affected my grades. And students, as you mentioned, joined in.
When it comes to that, I would say there are a few ways to handle it. One, you could speak with some friends and classmates of theirs to kind of speak to the teacher afterwards, like after class, and talk to them about why that can't happen. Or in class, to have other people stand up along with the student. Or to go to another teacher or another person in administration to talk about what is going on in the classroom and with the teacher.
Another alternative entirely would be to talk to the parent or family member and try to figure out a plan of who we speak to and stuff like that. I think there are many ways, but I think it's important to go with someone. I'm all for standing up for yourself, but sometimes it's much easier and has an impact when you have some friends or someone else joins in with you.
Remember that sometimes things aren't solved on the first try, which is really unfortunate, but it happened to me a lot. Just please, please, please, don't give up advocating for yourself or for your friend, to keep going and keep having those conversations.
Was it hard for you to open up to your mom or trusted adults, did you feel like you could talk to them easily?
It was really hard for me and it was nothing that my mom and my family did at all, because they were there for me the whole time. But I had been so conditioned to believe that no one was going to do anything or that it wouldn't have mattered or that it was my fault because that's the environment I was in at school. And after so many years of that, you start to believe that.
But I really wished I was able to see past that, because all of those years, my parents were there. And even if they didn't fully understand, they would have done everything they could to try and understand. It would have been better for sure than me trying to handle it on my own.
So to answer your question, I didn't really tell my mom what was going on until that girl dressed up as me for Halloween. I think on that day, something just changed in me, because I didn't even know this girl.
I just started telling my mom and it was a gift in disguise because I had been keeping it inside for too long.
Since publishing your work, have you heard from any of your former bullies?
Unfortunately, the answer is no. But I have gotten two messages from girls who were really popular in my school and they were girls. I always looked at their life like wow, their life is amazing, they have so many friends, I wish that I had that life. Since then, I've gotten two messages from two different girls, saying that they were dealing with bullying for so many years while I knew them or knew of them and they never told anyone. And that my story showed them that they had been keeping this inside for so long and that they had been really struggling.
For me that was so eye opening because I always looked at these girls like they had this perfect life and I wish that I had their friends and were in their circles. Meanwhile, they were struggling and no one knew. That's the really sad thing about bullying is that it's invisible sometimes and it's so hard to know if someone else is going through something similar to what you're dealing with.
How does one recognize and deal with forms of bullying that may not be as clear or obvious even to the person experiencing it?
First I want to touch on something that I forgot to say earlier. I wanted to break down the four different types of bullying: verbal, which is like teasing or taunting someone or harassing someone; there is physical bullying which would be any sort of physical harm; cyberbullying, any bullying that happens online or on your phone; and social bullying which is a little bit more hard to pinpoint because it is that like spreading rumors, excluding people. But the thing that makes -- I don't know if any of you had this experience, but when I was growing up, a lot of adults would say, well, it's not bullying; it's kids being kids. It's a part of growing up.
And that's really not true. The thing that makes bullying different from a one-off incident of someone not being nice is that it happens over and over and over. It's repetitive. It's that you go into school every day and you are verbally bullied or socially bullied or physically bullied or cyberbullied. Whatever it is, it happens over and over.
So for in response to your question, I would say for someone dealing with something like social bullying where it's a little harder to see and also a little harder to acknowledge within yourself because you're like, I don't really know what's going on, you know, is this just my friend group, is first to really think about and maybe even write down everything that's been going on. Like in middle school, I would sit down at the lunch table and everyone would get up and leave. The first time that happened, I was like, oh, they wanted to move lunch tables. But every day, that happened and if I followed them, they would do the same thing over and over. That can be really detrimental to your mental health.
So writing down everything that happens and then talking to maybe one person from that group or going to a teacher or administrator in your school or, again, one of those trusted adults, and explaining to them that you don't really know what this is but it's happening and it's affecting you and you need to figure out what to do about it.
So whether that be someone within that direct like peer group or an adult, making sure that you are constantly bringing it up and advocating for yourself because I know it seems sometimes small, but the repercussions of that can be really difficult to handle and also could grow into more visible types of bullying.
Did you ever see that happen to someone else and want to help but couldn't?
Bullying? Definitely. And this is why I really like to talk about the cycle that is bullying, because I have seen it happen when I was in middle school and high school and elementary school all the time and I didn't speak up. And now I know, being on the other side of it, had I spoken up, had someone spoken up for me, it could have totally changed my life or someone else's life.
Looking back, I know the reason I didn't speak up was because I was scared that I would be bullied more or be ostracized, or my friends would think I wasn't cool or something. But at the end of the day, it can really affect someone's life in a way that is so impossible to even comprehend. So taking that step, I know it's terrifying, is so important. And again, if you can have like a friend or a few friends take that step with you, that's great as well. Like there are many ways to go about it.
Where do you think you would be now if you didn't tell your mom? Do you think your life at the moment would be that different?
That is a great question. It's really hard to say, because I have no way of knowing. But I don't think I would be in as good of a space mental health wise. When I told my mom, she also encouraged me to speak to a therapist and to take that step to talking to a professional. And that's something I really needed, and I didn't realize I needed at the time.
But later in my life, in my later teen years and early 20s, it's something like, oh, wow, there are a lot of things I need to work through. So I think had I not been able to speak to her about that and be encouraged and supported which I was lucky about because I know not everyone is supported to speak to a professional, I think I would be struggling more mental health wise. So I do think it's really important.
And again, if there isn't someone in your life that you can talk to or that is helping you, there are so many options online like therapy services or hotlines if you were in a crisis. I just really encourage you to use some method of speaking to a professional.
“I'm going to tell you a story about the power of words, about your own voice and being heard, the power to heal, the power to hurt. On Halloween of my freshman year, a girl I had never met, who attended my old school, dressed up as me as her costume. And suddenly it was like someone pressed resume. I was all consumed by cyberbullying, harassment, and my past. You see, I had spent 8 years being bullied. Crowds would amass to telecast to obliterate their own classmate. So when this happened, I sunk into my chair, depleted with a blank stare in my eye thinking, this is it, I can't keep trying to get by.”
